How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Someone Is Upset
So you’re a people pleaser too huh? Join the club. One of the most common patterns I see among people who experience anxiety around relationships is the tendency to blame yourself automatically when someone is upset.
This often includes:
Frequently scanning people around you to see if they are okay or upset
Asking people often if they are okay, and then having trouble believing them when they say they’re fine
If someone is upset, you automatically assume it’s something you did or said, or didn’t say or didn’t do. You may find yourself replaying tiny details of all your recent interactions looking for what you “did wrong”
If someone is upset, you automatically feel guilty (like you have done something wrong) or ashamed (like you are a bad person), in other words, it’s super uncomfortable for you
If someone is upset, you feel a strong urge to fix it, make it up to them, and apologize even if you aren’t sure what you’ve done wrong
You may begin feeling very anxious especially if you sense the person is taking a bit of time or space away from you, even if they are just working, studying, or taking a shower… You assume it’s because they can’t stand to be around you or that you may be about to lose them if you don’t repair things soon enough
Giving up things you are doing for yourself (such as going out with friends or attending a yoga class) because you worry doing this thing for yourself is what upset the other person or because being away from them while they are upset makes you feel even more anxious and guilty. You couldn’t enjoy doing something for yourself even if you did you go, because you’re too busy worrying that the other person is mad at you.
If you’re looking to learn how to stop feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, we offer cognitive behavioral therapy in Florida and therapy in Orlando. We’d be glad to teach you how to set emotional boundaries to help you feel less guilty when someone is upset. Our cbt counselors in Orlando are skilled in teaching healthy boundaries and communication skills and can help guide you through how to put these steps into practice in your own life. Call today or request a free consultation to get started.
In this article we’ll be discussing how to stop feeling guilty every time someone is upset.
Why do I feel so guilty when someone is upset?
Odds are good, you have had a significant relationship with someone in the past who didn’t regulate their emotions well. This could have been a parent, caregiver, older sibling, best friend, or partner.
When this person got upset:
They likely became hostile and it made you nervous to be around them
They may have become unpredictable, which made you even more nervous
They may have blamed you for upsetting them (even if you did nothing wrong) leading you to feel guilty
They may have given you the “cold shoulder” or “silent treatment” to punish you and make a point until you realized “what you had done wrong”, adding possible layers of anxiety about when they will "let you back in” and shame about being “cast out”
You likely learned that the fastest and safest way to calm them down was to plead guilty, apologize, and try to be really nice to them
After they calmed down, they may have just pretended nothing happened, adding to your feelings of anxiety long-term
If you had this same experience with someone over and over, every time they were upset, then learning to feel guilty would be automatic. With this repeated experience, it also makes sense that you assume it’s you, even when it’s not. This repeated experience would also create an association in your brain between “someone is doing something away from me” and “I’ve done something to upset them.” Plus, when we feel guilty, we naturally have the urge to fix it. So give yourself a break, and figure out who taught you this. Then repeat after me:
“It makes sense that I feel guilty right now because ‘so and so’ taught me that when they were upset, it was because I’d done something wrong.”
How to stop feeling guilty when someone is upset
Step 1: Learn the difference between guilt and empathy.
Knowledge is power. Here is a key fact I want you to burn into your brain, write it on your wall, or tattoo it on your arm if you need to. OK, just kidding about that last part. Here goes…
Read that again. Really think about what that means. We are social creatures. We are born with mirror neurons and social engagement systems hardwired into our brain and body. This is your empathy system, and you have it from birth. It’s what allows our species to exist without murdering someone every time we get mad. It’s the reason a two-year-old will look over at another toddler who is crying and feels something in their body.
We are not, however, born with guilt. Guilt is a social emotion. This means we have to learn it through socialization and repeated experiences. We can’t learn to feel guilty until we are around the age of three. This is why a one-year-old will slap you in the face and laugh.
Here’s where the two intersect: we use the bodies natural empathy system to teach guilt. We say things like “You can’t hit your brother. See? He’s crying. You really hurt him. We don’t hit. Hitting is bad.” In that moment, you might point to her little brother, who is crying in the corner. She will feel a pang of empathy in her body and over time will learn that this feeling means “I’ve done something bad.”
Here’s the task: learn to separate these two feelings. They feel identical in the body, but they mean completely different things. Guilt means “I did something wrong and I feel badly about it.” Healthy feelings of guilt pop up as a signal to let you know that you’ve done something that violates your own moral compass - you did something you know is wrong. Empathy means “I see something is wrong and I feel badly with you.” Empathy allows us to feel pain with others.
Step 2: Check your moral compass once and ONLY once.
Healthy guilt shows up when we’ve done something that violates our own moral compass. I believe for myself that I shouldn’t yell at people I love. This means that when and if I do yell at someone I love, I’m going to feel healthy guilt along with the urge to apologize to them and make amends.
When you’ve done something that violates your own moral compass in this way, and you see that someone is upset, it usually won’t take more than a second to know exactly what you did. If I yell at someone, and see they are upset afterward, it doesn’t take long for me to connect those dots. Same goes for you.
So if you’ve done something wrong, give yourself a second to check with your moral compass. If the answer doesn’t come quickly, choose empathy.
Step 3: Label empathy for what it is.
When someone is upset, your body will continue to feel the same. However, research has shown that the words we use to label our emotions actually shape how we experience them.
This means labeling this feeling as empathy when it shows up can have a profound effect on what kind of bad you feel. In other words, saying to yourself “I feel empathy because someone I care about is hurting and that makes sense when you care about someone. It hurts to see them hurt.”
Step 4: Stop apologizing and start empathizing.
Both guilt and empathy give us the urge to do something. Guilt gives us the urge to fix it, apologize, and make amends. Empathy gives us the urge to connect and support. So redirect your impulse to “do something” in that moment to connect with the person instead of trying to fix it.
Here’s a few examples of empathy:
I’m sorry you had a rough day. I’m here if you want to talk about it.
I can see you’re really worried about this, and while I don’t feel the same way I do love you and I’d like to keep you company if that’s okay.
You seem overwhelmed. I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately. I think anybody would be overwhelmed trying to juggle all this.
I know that was hard for you. I’m proud of you for handling it the way you did, but I know it wasn’t easy.
Notice there’s no apologies here - just space to allow the person to feel whatever they feel. Key things to remember when empathizing:
You don’t have to agree or feel the same way in order to be understanding
Just give them permission to feel what they feel and try to put aside your desire for them to “just be okay”
Let them know they aren’t alone with the feeling, that you’re there
Don’t try to fix it, or point out positives, or try to convince them to stop feeling upset
Being understanding and supportive toward someone when they are upset is not the same thing as permission to treat you badly because they are upset
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma, please reach out. We offer CBT Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit.
