How to Build a Support System Outside of Therapy
One of the top reasons people come to therapy is because therapy can offer guaranteed emotional support in times of need. If you feel like you don’t have enough supportive relationships, you are certainly not alone. We are currently living in an epidemic of loneliness. We are more connected than ever via social media and text messaging, but many of us lack truly supportive relationships with people we can turn to when we are emotionally struggling. If you’re looking for therapy in Orlando, our therapists will work with you to help you build a healthy support system outside of therapy to ensure you’ve got the long-term support we all need.
If you are hoping to build an emotional support system, here are a few steps to get you started.
1. Learn the signs of trustworthiness
Do you have trouble trusting people or trouble letting people in? Maybe you have friends but you struggle to let your guard down. You might be a great source of support to others and have a really hard time asking for the same in return. If you struggle with letting people in, chances are you’ve gotten really good at keeping the mask on to ensure everyone knows you are doing “just fine, thanks”.
Before you start doing emotional “trust falls”, the first step is learning to identify signs of trustworthiness in others. Here are a few key signs to keep your eye on:
When you share things, do they keep your secrets? It’s impossible to trust someone with vulnerable information if you suspect they are going to go tell five other people as soon as they have a chance.
When they talk about others who are struggling, are they compassionate or judgmental? If they judge other people every chance they get, odds are good they will be judging you too.
Does it feel like things you tell them come back to bite you later on? Someone who is trustworthy will never use your weaknesses and struggles against you, no matter what. They do not consider information a weapon and they cringe at the thought of using it as such.
2. Distance yourself from toxicity to make room for support.
If you feel like you are surrounded by toxic people, there’s a good chance they are taking up valuable space in your schedule and your life that could be filled with healthier, more supportive relationships. If you want there to be room for healthier connections, try finding ways to limit the amount of time you spend with people in your life that you consider to be toxic.
3. Find new people to connect with
If you feel like the people in your life aren’t exactly the kind you want to form deeper connections with, it may be time to bring some new people into your life. Go old school and strike up a conversation with a coworker or neighbor. Join local groups online or consider attending a local meetup group. For moms especially, try the Peanut app to connect with parents in your area. Go to the dog park around the same day and time every week and you’re likely to see the same pet parents there. Attend a local support group, preferably in person. Peer support space offers great options for community connection.
The magic here is not in finding a new person once, but rather in reconnecting with the same person on a repeated basis. Research shows we tend to form friendships automatically with people we interact with often. So whichever route you go to find new people, repeat, repeat, repeat.
4. Turn your acquaintances into support people
Often times clients tell us they aren’t sure how to take a relationship from acquaintance status to meaningful friendship. Unless you and your acquaintance go through a shared traumatic experience that bonds you instantly, its likely to take some time to deepen your relationships into meaningful support.
The easiest step is to transition from casual acquaintance to group hangouts. If you know someone from yoga class, consider inviting a few people out after class for tacos. After a few group hangouts, consider making plans just the two of you. Once you’re comfortable hanging out with this person one on one, slowly, very slowly, start sharing mildly personal things about yourself. Sarcasm and humor can be helpful here in lightening the intensity of a conversation and testing the waters to see what topics they are comfortable talking about. If you have a good experience, consider sharing some thing real and present with them. Vulnerability is not a sprint, and relationships with true emotional intimacy cannot be built overnight. It’s a slow and steady process.
5. Work through your hang ups around asking for help
Just having safe and healthy people in your life isn’t enough to have a support system. In order for people in your life to be considered a support system, you have to actually allow them to support you. This means sorting through any hang ups you have around leaning on people.
Here’s a glimpse at what might be running through your head that keeps you from reaching out to your would be support system: I’m the one who supports people, not the one who needs support. I don’t want to ruin their day if they’re having a good day by talking about negative things. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. If they’re having a bad day, they need my support, not to hear about my problems. Their problems are more important than mine and deserve priority. I don’t want to burden them. They have enough on their plate without adding my stuff. If they know I’m struggling, failing, etc, they won’t want to be my friend anymore. (and my personal favorite) They’re probably busy.
These thoughts are a problem. First, this means there’s really no “good” time that you’re allowed to share what’s going on with you. If it’s a good day, you’ll ruin it and if it’s a bad day, you’ll make it worse. So when exactly is a good time? There’s something I always tell my friends when they say one of these thoughts out loud to me… “If you share with me, it gives me permission to share with you. If you don’t lean on me, I won’t lean on you.” Figure out what thoughts or feelings are getting in the way of leaning on your would-be support system and start pushing back. Chances are, those thoughts have a lot more to do with family rules growing up than they have to do with the reality of whether or not people in your life would gladly support you if you gave them the chance.
If you feel like you’re lacking a support system, we offer therapy in Orlando to help get you started. We all need emotional support throughout our lives, sometimes more than others. Whether it’s trust issues, toxic relationships, loneliness, or just trouble deepening and leaning into your friendships, we can help.
We can help.
If you or someone you love is struggling with anxiety, depression, or the effects of trauma, please reach out. We offer CBT Therapy in Orlando and online throughout the state of Florida. Call today or send us your info and we’ll reach out for a free consultation to see if one of our therapists would be a good fit.
